I ain’t drinkin’ no mo’, so I thought I’d be productive – if writing a ridiculous blog post consisting primarily of others’ work can somehow be considered “productive.”
This subject has been banging around in my head for a while, probably since the first time I heard the #1 song on the list (Uh-uh! No fair skipping ahead!). And while I’m sure I’ve missed a tune or a gazillion here, and I will probably do more on this subject, the top spot will always belong to the song I have placed there.
No matter what.
5). R Kelly – Trapped in the Closet – A first glance at the title makes one assume Kelly is professing his battle with homosexuality. But no, he’s just re-solidifying the fact that he’s a creep that can’t keep it in his pants for whatever biological reason is imperative at the time.
But R. Kelly wasn’t content to just be a creep with this song, he had to unleash what is quite possibly the most self-indulgent piece of crap I have ever been subjected to on the rest of the world.
4). Eminem – My Fault – How do you accidentally give someone mushrooms? And when you do, what do you say? “Shiitake! Those weren’t crimini!” Or would it be: “Crimini! Those weren’t shiitake!” Sorry, I’ll stop.
Plus, I’m pretty sure no one involved in the filming of this video has ever taken ‘shrooms. I’VE never seen the world warp and contort like that. Then again, I’ve never eaten 22 caps at once. No shit she’s freaking out. And possibly dead.
3). New Order -1963 – From Wikipedia: “According to the band’s lyricist, Bernard Sumner, the song is about the JFK assassination, which occurred in 1963. In the song, Sumner sings from the point of view of Jackie Kennedy, and theorises that John F. Kennedy (a devout Catholic for whom divorce was unthinkable) paid the mobster Jack Ruby to arrange for a hitman to take out his wife so that he could continue his relationship with actress Marilyn Monroe. It further theorises that Monroe committed suicide when she found out that the hired gun, Lee Harvey Oswald, had hit the wrong target. Oswald was, according to Sumner, then in turn assassinated by Ruby for causing his hitman business to go bust.
“Sumner’s theory is unlikely to be intended seriously, given that Marilyn Monroe died in 1962, over a year before the assassination took place.”
So despite the title, the antagonist’s name and Bernard Sumner’s insistence that it does, I find no contextual evidence that this song has anything to do with the Kennedy assassination. It sounds more like an argument that sociopaths shouldn’t be allowed to own guns no matter what the 2nd amendment says. That poor lady (Jackie O. or no); this song is the 80s equivalent of a made-for-Lifetime movie. And catchy as hell. Just don’t sing it out loud at work, there’s a good chance your cohorts will look at you with pity and fear for the rest of your sojourn at the job.
2). Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – The Mercy Seat – Spiritual conflict, murder and a stay on Death Row with no hope of reprieve are reasons enough that this song is creepy. But, really, it’s just the song itself. There’s something about the hopelessness in the protagonist’s beseechments to a seemingly uncaring Almighty, as well as the “industrial ghetto” feel of the whole damn song that ranks it so high on my spine-tingling scale.
1b). Lee Hazelwood and Nancy Sinatra – Some Velvet Morning – Face it, this song is about a drunken pedophile/rapist just waiting for his chance with innocent (or maybe retarded?) Phaedra. Don’t argue with me. Yes, it is.
1a). Lydia Lunch and Rowland S. Howard – Same song, but the two artists doing it up the creepy factor to the nth degree. Brrrrrrrrr. And yipes.
Well, that’s it for this round. Send suggestions for the next installment, but “Some Velvet Morning” will always be #1.